


I Wish You Were Here With Me

by Abitofeveryfandom



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Death, Lots of tears, M/M, Sad, Tears, like seriously, other depressing stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7752403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abitofeveryfandom/pseuds/Abitofeveryfandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil discovers a bunch of missed voicemails on his phone, here is the story they told...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Voicemail

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Nederlands available: [Ik Wou Dat Je Bij Me Was](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13757484) by [Abitofeveryfandom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abitofeveryfandom/pseuds/Abitofeveryfandom)



> Hey Guys! So, taking a break from all the Septiplier, here is a bit of Phan! This story was written a while ago. I first published it on Fanfiction.Net, but now I have decided to start publishing them on here as well. You know, for the people too lazy to switch sites. ;) If you want to check me out on ffnet, that still would be very nice! Thanks in Advance! :) 
> 
> Writer Out!

_You have 6 new messages. Play all? Playing all messages._

"Peej! Give me that phone! Hey Phil, everything okay? You're probably pretty busy since you didn't pick up. Guys! Please shut up for a second, would you? Sorry, but I'm in the car with PJ and Chris and they won't be quiet. We'll probably be back around 8 'o clock this evening. I think we're going to grab a drink or something. Hope you're having fun filming with Cat, bye!" _**Beep**_

"No! Why me? _'Come on Dan, who else? You have to!'_ Ugh, fine. Hi Phil, I love you. I'm guessing you're pleased to hear that, aren't you? It's not like I say it everyday or something. You already know I do, so it is useless to repeat it again. But these two childish idiots threatened to throw me out of the window if I didn't say it -yes, a car window, I don't know how that would work either- so here you go! Are you happy no- PJ, WATCH OUT! **Crash** -" **_Beep_**

"Phil? Can you hear me? Please, please come…I don't know what happened… I think we crashed but I don't know and there's blood everywhere and alarms and I just…*sob* an…and Dan and PJ are just lying there, they won't wake up. PJ looks alright but Dan not and we really need you. Please come pick us up… Call back please. I don't know what to do, an-" _**Beep**_

"We're at the hospital Phil. At least I am. I haven't got any idea where the others are. The doctors came and took them away. You have to come Phil. We need you! There was so much blood and it was all Dan's. PJ is unconscious. I keep repeating it, we need you! The fantastic foursome can't continue with just the two of us. Why aren't you picking up? The doctor says there's nothing you can do. But he's wrong… You can help… You have to. Right?" ** _Beep_**

"They said I broke my arm. Nothing to worry about they said. I'd gladly break the other one as well if everything would go back to normal. Where are you Phil? Please?" Beep "PJ's gonna make it. He's not awake yet but he's there. Why aren't you here yet Philly? I feel so lost! I'm afraid… What if we lose Dan? He needs you, more than ever now… Lost too much blood… He has a massive head wound. Oh, I don't know Phil! I'm just so worried! The doctors are trying to send me away but I have to stay. I'm waiting. Waiting for you. Just come…" _ **Beep**_

"You're too late. Dan's gone. I sound rash, I know, what did you expect? I witnessed one of my best friends die. His heartbeat went slower and slower. And then it was gone. All of a sudden. I talked to him, said you would come. It was a lie. You never came. I guess I'll be the one to tell you his last message then… it was a ring Phil. In his pocket. In a beautiful blue box with your name in silver letters. Come just to pick it up. Just to see him one more time. For a last goodbye…" **_Beep_**


	2. The Hospital

Phil sat on his bed. Tears streamed in rivers down his face, but he didn't make any noise. He sat there, paralyzed, phone pressed against his ear. His eyes looked at the painting on the wall without seeing the dark figure surrounded by flames depicted on it. His own world was now collapsing, going down in flames. He was held back by Chris's voice coming out of the cell phone in his hand, captured by the dark twists and turns of his own mind telling him to stay, telling him to wake up and stop dreaming, telling him it was alright... He suddenly realized, it wasn't a dream. This was real. His friends were out there somewhere. And Dan was…  
'Dan', he whispered, a look of sheer terror quickly spread on his now even paler face. The phone slipped out of his hand and hit the bed with a soft thump.

Phil rushed out of his bedroom, grabbing his coat and keys on the way to the door. He jumped of the stairs, taking them three at a time. He made it outside in a record tempo. Not even checking the front door twice before racing onto the street. The world shot past him in a blur of black and grey. Cars abruptly stopping, angry drivers yelling at him, people jumping aside. But he just ran, he ran as fast as he could, not wanting to believe he was already late. One little phrase echoed through his head over and over again: "For a last goodbye…"

A last goodbye. He didn't want to say goodbye, it was such a cold word. A word that meant never seeing each other again, being alone. Unfortunately, he had nothing else to offer now. All he had left for the person he had given his love, his attention, his everything, were seven meaningless letters. Why hadn't he heard his phone ringing? He could have helped, he could have… Suddenly, he stopped in the middle of the pavement, shocked by his own thoughts. It wasn't his fault, was it?  
The black haired boy shook his head and started running even faster than before. Just three more streets. His mind was now clear of any thought. Except for those eyes. Big, loving, brown eyes that pleaded him to come. He tried to push just a little bit harder, he had to go faster. Two streets left. Black dots clouded his vision. One more street. Should he slow down? No! He could see the hospital already. He was almost there.

Phil stumbled through the doors, totally out of breath. He was panting, trying to recover from his race across the streets. It was a miracle how he managed to get out the words: 'I'm looking for my friend, Dan Howell." The reception girl – who was most likely only 17 or 18 – started typing on the keyboard of the massive computer in front of her, but she wasn't quick enough. In fact, she was almost agonizingly slow.  
'Come on', Phil said impatiently, 'Hurry up!' The girl ignored him and kept on typing. The sound of her long purple fingernails made a clicking noise that sounded like 21 guns being fired all at the same time. It echoed endlessly in the small and silent room. After a short while she pointed at a dark pink double door. 'Third floor, room 594', she said in a voice that reminded Phil of his old history teacher. He shot her a death glare and still yelled a quick 'thank you!' over his shoulder. He doubted she heard him though, since he was already halfway up the stairs.

Twenty seconds later he came to a skipping stop before the door of Dan's room. After a soft knock a young nurse with a lot of brown curls came out. She must have recognized the look of intense worry on his face, since she just stepped aside, letting the exhausted boy pass. Before he entered, she stretched out her arm.  
'You are just in time', her voice was strange and deep, with a strong accent to it. 'Keep in mind you can't stay for too long, visitor's hour is over soon.' Phil nodded and walked into the room, feeling the door being closed behind him.

When he saw Dan lying there, chocolate brown eyes forever closed; he knew it wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be. No, it was much and much worse. The full realization of what had happened struck him out of nowhere. He would never hear Dan's voice again. Never again feel that warmth beside him, staying with him until morning came. Never again just enjoy each other's company. They had never needed words to know what was going through the other's head. Phil collapsed next to the bed and started to cry. Terrible, heart shattering sobs that filled the room with an intense sadness. And Phil's last bit of hope faded. The hope that maybe… just maybe Chris was wrong. That Dan's heart was still beating. But as he lay there, with his head on his boyfriend's chest, and instead of the usual strong beating heard nothing but a strangely empty echo of what once was. He knew that he was wrong. He would never again feel those arms around him, never again… never again… As the tears still streaming down his face landed on Dan's black, bloodstained shirt, all he had left inside was a gaping black hole. And a shimmering, a shimmering made of all the good times they had together, mixed with the words he could never say enough, and now repeated for the last time.

I love you Dan…


	3. Dear Dan

Dear Dan…

It's been 6 days since 'it' happened. That's almost an entire week! I haven't been outside yet. Don't think I'll ever be outside again. Not that I'm not used to staying inside for no reason at all. People keep calling me on the phone: PJ, Carrie, Martyn. Mum called 5 times already. My voicemail has never been so full! I've been checking it constantly the last few days. For some reason I still think I'll see another message saying that… Well, you know…

Moving on from that subject, we did know a lot of people! Everyone we have ever met – like, ever – has at some point come to the flat. I feel bad saying this now, but I mostly just ignore them. I'm not ready to talk about you just yet. They think I'm sad on my own and will definitely start talking about 'the accident' the moment I walk into the room. Not that I'm planning on doing a lot of walking, but still.

I'm sitting on my bed, writing in a diary Chris gave me (he is dealing with the troubles amazingly by the way), and wondering why that truck didn't look before he drove straight into your car. That's my life from now on. Sleeping, crying, eating, thinking, and crying some more.  
Chris and PJ both have a key. They've been making me food the past days. The reason they gave me this journal is because they said I needed a place to "just be me again for a while". It's true though, everything that's going on at the moment… It's too much to process. Talking wouldn't help anyway; I've never been as good with words as you.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm surprised I still have tears left. I've wept a lot in my life, you know. Can you see me being miserable? I kind of hope you can. You were always the strong one.  
This is how broken I am if I have no one to support me. I imagine you're looking at me from wherever you are, you're wrapping your arms around me like you used to while we watched anime on the couch. Those memories keep me going now. The memories of cat whiskers and YouTube videos. Of you and me.

The worst thing is that I wasn't able to say goodbye. I'm glad it wasn't me who died though. Because, if you loved me half as much as I love you, the pain must be unbearable.

Why did this happen now? What horrible person decided you had to die now? You have built up an entire career, you have touched so many people. You have bought me a ring.  
I found it. Chris told me it was in your pocket. It is beautiful, and it reminds me of you. That ring is why I'm writing this in the first place, to let you know what my answer would have been. Yes, I do. Yes, yes, yes, yes a thousand times.

Is there a way to send this to you? I like to believe there is, we just haven't discovered it yet. Where even are you? "Are" you still? Maybe you're floating in space, or falling through an endless void.  
Okay, I know, you can laugh, that was a stupid guess. I'm stupid as well. Stupid, but I must be something. If I wasn't, you wouldn't have bought that ring for me. I put it on my finger 4 days ago and haven't taken it off since.

People will look at me weird, we were pretty famous. Almost half of London knows us. They don't remember me ever wearing a ring though. At least, I think so… but, you gave it to me, so I'm going to wear it. Well, you didn't exactly give it to me, but you were going to! That's pretty much the same! Kind of..?

I think I'm gonna go now, Chris is calling. He says that PJ is here. Peej is fine, he hasn't lost as much blood as you. Chris broke his arm. I really respect them so much more now. They're not at all on their strongest now, but still they're making such an effort to take care of me.

Tomorrow is your funeral. It still feels weird to say. For you it must be even weirder. Well, you know what? I might just try to act normal again, you know, as normal as I'm able to act. If you're still there looking at me, I better not stay a blubbering mess for too long. 

Bye Dan! I'll see you on the other side.

Love, Phil

Your little lion boy


	4. The Funeral

'I'm looking forward to 2022 with you', Phil muttered along with the soft music playing in the background. In front of him, there were at least 3 or 4 rows of seats filled with friends and family of Dan Howell. The person that had changed Phil's life, the person he had loved, and the person whose coffin now stood all the way in front of the crowd that sniffed into their handkerchiefs.  
They were marble statues, cold and hard. Expressions like masks plastered onto their faces. Phil was a glass puppet, see-through and fragile. Broken and shattered. Tears streamed down his face, but he managed to keep his sobs quiet. He was already a stranger here.

Suddenly, everything went completely silent. Katherine's voice kept singing and started a new song, but the sad words didn't get through to Phil's confused mind. He looked up, startled by the sudden lack of noise.  
Then, he realized it was his turn to speak. He had volunteered earlier that day, but now, with all those people he had never talked to, he doubted he would be able to say something that made sense.

Phil got up from his seat and slipped through the mass of people. He climbed the three steps leading to the mic, but then managed to trip over his own feet, resulting in him almost falling over onto the first row of people. He wiped his eyes, adjusted his glasses and started to talk.

'Dan was…', he cleared his throat, his voice was raspy and hoarse but he kept talking. 'Dan was… special. I guess. It's hard to describe. I've known him for 6 years, and we had so much left to do. It's not fair. He knew me better than anyone else. It used to be just Phil. But then, he found the courage to travel all the way to Manchester, just to be able to meet me. I'm so grateful for that. From that moment on, it was Dan and Phil.

'Sure, people knew us separately. On our own we were something. But together we were everything. We made videos, had a job at the BBC, we even made a book. It's almost unreal how much we achieved together. I never could have done this without him.  
He was, and still is, the kindest person I've ever met. Yes, I know, he is the most socially awkward noodle to have ever walked this planet. but all you had to do was dig a little bit deeper. If you look past the memes and the ironic jokes, he is an amazing human being. There was just a smile, a shoulder to cry on, encouraging words.

'He always said I was the stronger one, I think it's the other way around. I helped him through the dark years in his life, that's true. But without him I would have collapsed. He supported me, even when no one else would. He didn't mind people being themselves. I remember once he said: "What do you mean, not myself? Who else am I supposed to be?"'

Phil smiled, remembering Dan standing in front of PJ with his hands on his hips. Newspaper pages were stuck all over his face. Dan was an actor, he didn't need anyone to tell him what role he had to play. Not even PJ.

'Hey Dan?' He half-yelled, looking at the ceiling, 'I hope you like it up there! We'll never forget you. Your channel's going to get a proper last video, our radio show is simply going to carry on, but no one will ever forget you. You'll always be in our minds.

'My heart has a special room, for you and you alone. I'm forever grateful I got to spend 6 full years with you. I might not be good with words, but I have one last thing to say to you…'

Phil formed his hands into a heart, still holding his head up high.

' This was the most fun I've ever had… Goodbye Bear.'


End file.
